---
id: me
aliases: []
tags:
  - topic/meta
---
# Me

## My Memory

I have a family history of dementia,
and I am medically predisposed to transient forgetfulness.
Several times in my life I have found months/years old notes in my handwriting
that I could not recall writing, on subjects I could not recall having ever understood.

It deeply troubles me how much time I've wasted having the same ideas,
working through the same problems, coming to the same conclusions.
I am afraid that my memory has been deteriorating
and will continue to until I'm intellectually useless well before my time.
I'm not sure how much of this fear is real
and how much is a subconscious ploy to justify not making the effort.

I project this insecurity on others strongly.
I see the same signs in other people,
and it reminds me of my own weakness.
I get frustrated at others for not making efforts that I don't make myself.
I don't use this notebook as often or as well as I should.

> [!note]
> I give myself a hard time here,
> but my "failure" to make lasting mental connections
> is relative to my perception of my ability,
> not to observation of others'.

## My Productivity

In as few words as possible,
I would say I am "High Efficiency, Low Productivity".

I have several problematic productivity habits.

### Motivation

My primary motivators are curiosity and stress.

I find it very easy and natural
to work on projects for extended, uninterrupted periods
when I am investigating a new problem,
or a potential new way to solve a problem.

Because of this I often spend hours working on things
that will not benefit me or anyone else.
Even if they _could_ be useful, my motivation ends with my curiosity
around 90% progress, where I'm able to visualize the end result.

I find it near impossible to do work I'm not curious of
until my subconscious determines that we have exactly enough time
to finish it before the deadline.

I think I spend much more time bored than my peers.
Others with as much free time as me tend to spend it exercising.

## My Purpose

I want to be involved construction estimating for the rest of my working life.
Current discourse on the subject is self-similar and sanitized.
I'd like to be known as an innovator in [[estimating-philosophy]],
and for solving some of its [[open-problems-in-estimating]].
